the world is bright again

Oh, my man, I love him so, he'll never know

All my life is just despair, but I don't care

When he takes me in his arms

The world is bright, all right...

Mr. K just gave me a hug!
I'm so happy, my hands are trembling and I can barely write. 

See, this is what I've been saying about happiness. One act of kindness (or was it kindness..?)* and the whole world lights up like the sky on the New Year's. 

The deed for which I received such gift was nothing exceptional - I found the keys he was desperately searching for. His face lit up and and he exclaimed "Bless you, mimi, bless you!" Seconds later he was hugging me as I was finishing my writing sitting behind the kitchen bar. 

I got that instant light headedness and could do nothing more than to helplessly repeat: "You're welcome, you are welcome." 

Some people are just so good, it makes you fall in love instantly. I'm lucky to be able to work alongside one of them. They can teach you things you never knew were needed.

Thanks, Mr. K!

And no, I am not in love with a married man. 
I have just grown very fond of him.

*if you know what I mean

raison d’être

It has been recently brought to my attention, that one of my friends is struggling with blending religion with the current state of her life. A common problem. 
I gave her a 4 (four!) hours long pep talk, neglecting all my responsibilities, only to later learn it was a waste of time. 

It all is useless, the will to live, to find the goal, has to come from within the person. All I could do was give her a kick, that fell short at the end of that day anyway. 

I always try to rationalise my feelings, my moods, my depression. After all, it all are just some chemical processes in the brain, there’s nothing more to it. If we could safely live on dopamine injections world would be a different place. 

Being able to look at the problem from a distance and giving it a fair judgement doesn’t make the emptiness to go away but it can make it easier to withstand.

Happiness is a fragile state of mind. When you’re down there, at the place of no hope, surrounded by darkness, and all your attempts to break free fail… all you can do is wait through it. Wait and believe that there will be sunrise when the night fades. 

from the hell and back

Addiction sucks. 
Willpower is no use. Willpower will not let me hold my breath for 10 minutes. Nor will it allow me to fly above the city.
I have always thought that I can do anything I want. People everywhere are surrounded by imaginary barriers, yet I fly free. 
Everything comes at a price. It's a fair deal. 

Sometimes I wish to have been born without short term memory. Life would've been so much easier...  can you imagine? 

Sometimes I wish I could be an ancient work of art. Something majestic and eternal. 

Immortal. 

home alone on Christmas

On my own

pretending he’s beside me.

All alone

I walk with him, till morning…

There is something strangely satisfying about how perfectly this song captures my reality of the jolliest time of the year. 

I will be alone on Christmas, yet I don’t feel the bitterness I expected and prepared for.

The question is, whether I’ll feel LONELY while being ALONE.

“It’s lonely when you're among people, too," said the snake to the Little Prince, right? 

Honestly, I’m quite curious to see how will solitude affect me at this time of a year. I’m already going slightly mad. I knew it would happen. Sooner or later.

Whatever the outcome, I have only one wish to make: May this experience serve me as a source of inspiration and push me further towards my destiny. 

Merry Christmas.

btw. the ONE I want beside me is my dog

slight change of plan

Okay, so the weekend didn’t turn out as I expected (btw., since when do I plan…?)

I forgot to equip myself with the camera shop addresses which I realized already sitting on the train. Plus, the photography/architecture student guy I proposed to accompany me could only do Sunday - the day at which my money balance hit 0. Literary. 

But after all, it was not a wasted Saturday. I got to try a new eyeliner style (love) and play with my hair in the reflection of H&M’s mirror wall. I walked through the little crafts market on the Marylebone street, the Conran shop (the store that makes you wish you were rich even harder) and the Old Spitalfield Market with all its vintage gorgeousness. I spent an hour sniffing through the Borough Market in a hopeless attempt to find the best of the best food stands, adoring the never-ending variety of veggies and mushrooms and meats and specialities, all ORGANIC (!), then walking across the London bridge with a sight of scenery glowing in the setting sun. I walked through the “financial” part of the city, passing the huge corporate buildings that I’ll probably never set my foot in. Which is a pity - one of them has a huge aquarium wall in the lobby, I’d love to see that from up close. 

I’ve got to observe interesting characters, particularly this one young man on the train who remainder me of Robert Sheehan. If I was in the position (already), I would totally offer him a job. 

C. is in Colombia. Yes, now it’s Colombia, two weeks ago it was Russia… I want your life, you lucky bastard!

I’m lying, I don’t want C.’s life. I only want his apartment. And his language skills. 

The stranger from the “when it all goes wrong” post keeps calling and texting me (“common, what went wrong?” - a citation it in it’s original, grammatically incorrect version)

Should I tell him what went wrong, or maybe just send him the link to that post (that would be fun, huh?)… I don’t feel like being cruel these days. I’ll probably just text him: “sorry, we are not a good match” kinda thing.** Or just be blunt (Tim Gunn, oh yeah), and say how it is - “you’re too dumb/simple/unintelligent/boring/pea-brained”, I could go on and on… Although, I don’t think I need that bad karma right now… You know, it’s Christmas.

My whole family is going to Zanzibar for winter holidays. 

They didn’t pick up on my hints to send me some Christmas money… damn.… 

My cat had a kidney infection. My dog misses me. My horse has probably already forgot that I exist. My sister just turned 3. 

That’s it for the news today. Now I need to dream about the better tomorrow for a while.

*I love observing people and trying to get under the layers everyone’s covered in. To know them without even talking to them. Sherlock is great for that, btw.

**He agrees. Good.

… I ate Nutella. I ate that fucking thing… I hate you, Nutella. 

I’m taking on a challenge

It consists of two parts.

First, hunt down an affordable Zenit camera in London’s stack of vintage stores (over the weekend, ideally in the company of C. or someone comparable).

Second, stop eating Nutella* and start doing everything I want to be doing.

Ain’t that sounding easy? 

*I’ve just ritually finished my LAST bottle of Nutella for this year.