the world is bright again

Oh, my man, I love him so, he'll never know

All my life is just despair, but I don't care

When he takes me in his arms

The world is bright, all right...

Mr. K just gave me a hug!
I'm so happy, my hands are trembling and I can barely write. 

See, this is what I've been saying about happiness. One act of kindness (or was it kindness..?)* and the whole world lights up like the sky on the New Year's. 

The deed for which I received such gift was nothing exceptional - I found the keys he was desperately searching for. His face lit up and and he exclaimed "Bless you, mimi, bless you!" Seconds later he was hugging me as I was finishing my writing sitting behind the kitchen bar. 

I got that instant light headedness and could do nothing more than to helplessly repeat: "You're welcome, you are welcome." 

Some people are just so good, it makes you fall in love instantly. I'm lucky to be able to work alongside one of them. They can teach you things you never knew were needed.

Thanks, Mr. K!

And no, I am not in love with a married man. 
I have just grown very fond of him.

*if you know what I mean

raison d’être

It has been recently brought to my attention, that one of my friends is struggling with blending religion with the current state of her life. A common problem. 
I gave her a 4 (four!) hours long pep talk, neglecting all my responsibilities, only to later learn it was a waste of time. 

It all is useless, the will to live, to find the goal, has to come from within the person. All I could do was give her a kick, that fell short at the end of that day anyway. 

I always try to rationalise my feelings, my moods, my depression. After all, it all are just some chemical processes in the brain, there’s nothing more to it. If we could safely live on dopamine injections world would be a different place. 

Being able to look at the problem from a distance and giving it a fair judgement doesn’t make the emptiness to go away but it can make it easier to withstand.

Happiness is a fragile state of mind. When you’re down there, at the place of no hope, surrounded by darkness, and all your attempts to break free fail… all you can do is wait through it. Wait and believe that there will be sunrise when the night fades. 

from the hell and back

Addiction sucks. 
Willpower is no use. Willpower will not let me hold my breath for 10 minutes. Nor will it allow me to fly above the city.
I have always thought that I can do anything I want. People everywhere are surrounded by imaginary barriers, yet I fly free. 
Everything comes at a price. It's a fair deal. 

Sometimes I wish to have been born without short term memory. Life would've been so much easier...  can you imagine? 

Sometimes I wish I could be an ancient work of art. Something majestic and eternal. 

Immortal. 

high above the city

*continued from the previous post

I’m high above the city

I’m standing on the ledge

The view from here is pretty

And I step of the edge

Decision to spend the night at a stranger’s place might not be smart nor safe, and it’s definitely not professional… however, considering the situation I was in at that time*, there wasn't much potential to make things worse. 
C. didn't look like a murderer. And being raped by him probably wouldn't be too bad (if you know what I mean).**
Apparently he managed to earn my trust - my intuition was telling me to go for it. 

So I did. 

C. is not for carrot

I like to capture memories. My writing serves as a bridge. So I can secure my way back before they fade completely.

C. is an interesting stranger. I would never have imagined someone from Turkey being so sophisticated and well-spoken (how provincial of me). I would never have imagined talking to someone from Turkey in the first place. But that’s the beauty of coincidental encounters. 

I waited for him in St. Patrick’s church next to the Soho Square. Looking at the impressive display of church flyers, I almost forgot to turn my head at the sound of the false name that he knew me by.* 

sushi triangle

My most recent stranger is a 23 years old Turkish software engineer. Living in New York, visiting London for an unknown purpose - work or leisure related I assume. 
I don’t know his name. I’m most likely not going to see him ever again, so I consider it a useless piece of information. I regard Turkish names as difficult to memorize anyway. For the sake of this story let’s call him the New York stranger.

We met thanks to my other, less recent stranger (from now on referred to as C.). Turkish as well, any attempt to pronounce his name would very inappropriately end up resembling the muslim Holly War, so I don’t. 

All three of us met for lunch at a sushi restaurant near London’s Soho Square. I don’t remember much of the introduction routine, I was far too surprised by the unexpected presence of the new guy. Surprised and overwhelmed. For the first few moments. However, I wasn’t put off by the challenge of making an impression on a new stranger. I took it as an opportunity to practice my social skills and just hoped that this very unbalanced triangle that I got into (as the weaker edge unfortunately), would somehow turn out into an advantage. That I could simultaneously charm both of them without loosing my dignity and sway through this lunch session with such ease and grace that I often admire in sensible characters around me.